I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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