p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
