I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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