i was born a porn star she said
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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