I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
