When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
