there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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