I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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