I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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