I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
