You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
