Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
