i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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