Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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