If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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