peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize