yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
