Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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