Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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