all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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