I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
