nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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