Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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