Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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