How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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