Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
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They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
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Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.