i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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