hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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