Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
