Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
