Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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