so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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