Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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