Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
third nipple confirmed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
