mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And then my night got REAL pukey
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
