i already hear my dad disowning me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
