So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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