Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
