there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
