at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
