Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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