im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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