FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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