I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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