alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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