So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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