I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
