totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
