i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
