Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
