Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
