i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
