one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
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TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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