I'm so fucking centered right now
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
