you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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