the condom got lost in my hair
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
