I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
