i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
