Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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